A Game of Delegates

Collusion between enemies… the wife of a former philandering leader trying to hold her spot on the throne and willing to crush anyone on the way… North vs. South, scheming, cheating, bloodshed… we have a lot to look forward to this Spring, and that’s just Game of Thrones. We haven’t even touched on the presidential election yet.

Days after a cataclysmic loss in New York, Ted Cruz’s campaign struggles to explain their failure. Some say he wasn’t feeling the New York values. But I’m not so sure about that…he did, after all, walk away with a big ole bagel.

If there was any doubt about whether Indianans would warmly welcome the Republican frontrunner during their state’s upcoming primary, look no further than the expansive fields, where hundreds of thousands of Donald Trump dolls have been spotted—wait—wait—what’s that? Just in, these are not Trump dolls but ears of corn.

Meanwhile in Pennsylvania, The Donald was trumped by those with hair more fabulous than his—a group of alpacas. It is unknown how the Trump team and the alpaca farm came to share a complex on this magical day, but subsequent polling indicated the alpacas—as some began to call the Trumpacas—drew a more prolific crowd than The Donald. The Trump campaign has not released a statement on the matter.

On another note, the Treasury has chosen to replace Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. While Americans have broken Google with “Who is Harriet Tubman” inquiries, both Ben Carson and Donald Trump have voiced opposition to the Treasury’s choice, suggesting that instead Tubman take her place on the $16 bill or the $12 bill, depending on whether you want to slight her as a woman or as an African American.

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Donald Trump vs. Chris Matthews

Chris Matthews: Our next question comes from Katie, a student at the University of Wisconsin. Katie?

Katie: Mr. Trump, I’d like to know about your stance on women’s rights and their right to choose in their own reproductive health.

Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m pro-choice. Pro-life. Pro-life. I believe in the sanctity of life, you know that. Except in the case of rape and the life of the mother. Some of my competitors tell you they’ll also allow abortions for cases of incest, but I won’t go that far. Is that okay? You understand?

Matthews: What would President Tr [wheezes]—President Tr [wheezes]—excuse me. What would President Trump’s abortion law be?

Trump: Well, you know. There would be a law and it would be a great law.

Matthews: What would the law be, though?

Trump: I haven’t decided yet. But it will be grand, I promise you that. This is election is so important—there’s going to be a law. And frankly, it’s going to be the best wall, the biggest wall. Law.

Matthews: But you have to have a law in mind.

Trump [in mocking voice]: You have to have a law in mind.

Matthews: Geez, Anderson was right. Five years old. You can’t dodge this, Mr. Trump. Please tell us your law.

Trump: I’d like to phone a friend.

Matthews: [Sighs] Permission granted.

Trump (on phone): Hi, it’s me. Yeah. Mhm. Yeah, I know. The very best. [Pauses to listen]. No, better than that. [Pauses to listen]. Mhm. Mhm. Perfect. Thanks, Chris. I’ll see you tonight. Ice cream’s on me this time. [Hangs up phone]. It will be the best law, and the law that will unify the people and I’ll tell you what the law will be because these people are committing a crime, a murder. There will be, there must be, a punishment for abortions.

Matthews: A punishment? Who will be punished?

Trump: I think you know.

Matthews: I do not know.

Trump: It rhymes with swimmin’.

Matthews: Women? You want to punish the women?

Trump: Well, you know. Punishment has been proven to be the only thing that works with these people. Take Ivanka, my gorgeous daughter. When Ivanka was a little girl, when Ivanka was a bad little girl, Daddy used to punish her. Oh, he punished her good. And you know what? It worked. Abortions are evil and there has to be some form of punishment.

Matthews: For the woman.

Trump: Yes, there has to be some form.

Matthews: But you must know. Will it be five years? Ten? Twenty? What will the punishment be?

Trump: No less than 18 years. And, well, frankly, it depends on a cup size factor, [clears throat] a couple factors.

Matthews: Like what?

Trump: It will have to be determined. But these people, these women who get abortions, they’ve been naughty, real naughty, and they deserve to be punished. It would please me greatly to be the one doing the punishing.

Matthews: But here’s my problem with this. If you don’t have a punishment for abortion—and I don’t believe in it, of course—people are going to find a way to have an abortion. They’ll go to the doctor who flunked out of medical school, they’ll go to the doctor who fell asleep while running for President of the United States.

Trump: Keep my boy Benny out of this. He is a good Christian, the best Christian.

Matthews: I need you to give me a straight answer: In a Trump regime, what would the punishment for women who get abortions be?

Trump: Well of course I’m gonna give you a straight answer. I don’t believe in any other kind of answer.

Matthews: Enough with the games. Mr. Trump, if there were to be a punishment for women who get abortions, what about the men who got them pregnant? Are they responsible under the law for these abortions?

Trump: Is the sky gold?

Matthews: Well, folks, there you have it: Donald Trump believes the women who get abortions, but not the men who impregnate them, should be punished for getting abortions. That’s all the time we have tonight. Good night, and good luck.

Trump: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. I never said the women should be punished. You’re twisting my words. It’s the doctors who provide the abortions who will be punished. Fucking Lib media.