|SARAH PALIN: Hello, hello! Welcome to Jeopardy! I’m your celebrity host, Sarah Palin, and today we’re gonna play for the prize of winnin’ the spot of the next Vice President of these United States! Playin’ today are three excellent contestants and I will let them introduce themselves to you now.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Hi folks, I’m Chris Christie, the governor of the great state of New Jersey. I enjoy donuts long walks in the park and I believe Donald Trump will be the best president the United States has ever had. I have been a good friend of Donald’s for 10 years, and sometimes he throws me a ball and I go chase it and he almost always pays for lunch. I believe no one is better prepared to provide America with strong leadership.
PAUL RYAN: I’m Paul Ryan, and I’m only here because Mr. Trump promised he’d stop calling my house at 3 in the morning if I say nice things about him.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m here to fill two quotas.
PALIN: Excellent, let’s begin. The categories are: The Daily Grind, Things That Are Huge, Things We Believe In, Things That Are Great, and Things That Are Icky. Chris, let’s begin with you.
CHRISTIE: Excellent, thank you Sarah. And I’d like to say, you’re looking fantastic today.
(PALIN FANS FACE WITH HER HAND, BATS EYELASHES)
CHRISTIE: I’d like Things That Are Great for 400.
PALIN: Super. This “great” leader has twenty cities named after him.
CHRISTIE: Oh I know this one. Who is Donald Trump?
PALIN: Oh I’m sorry, the correct answer was Alexander the Great. But I see why you might have said that. Mr. Ryan, it’s your turn now.
CHRISTIE (MUMBLES): Donald Trump is the greatest and will have 30 cities named after him.
RYAN: I just want to clarify that I’m only doing this because he keeps waking me up in the middle of the night. I’m tired and cranky and don’t want to be here. I’ll take The Daily Grind for 200.
PALIN: Excellent choice, excellent choice. The answer is: To cast a tie-breaking vote in the event of a Senate deadlock.
RYAN: What is the role of the Vice President?
PALIN: Ooh gee willikers, I don’t know. I’d like to buy a vowel.
RYAN: No, Sarah, the role of the Vice President is to cast a tie-breaking vote in the Senate.
PALIN: Oh, so it is! Would ya look at that, you really do learn something new every day. Two hundred tax free buckaroos to you! Please choose the next question.
RYAN: I’ll take Things That Are Huge for 300.
PALIN: Okie dokie, Smokie. This is something Donald will erect immediately upon his election.
CHRISTIE (BUZZES ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
PALIN (LOOKS SURPRISED, AND SLIGHTLY AROUSED): And before ya go ahead and state the obvious, remember this is a family show. We can talk about anatomy later!
CHRISTIE (SLUMPS, KICKS FLOOR).
PALIN: Mr. Ryan, do you have an answer?
RYAN: I believe that would be the giant wall.
PALIN: You’re right! Just talkin’ about this wall gets me all flustery, really makes ya stop and think…
(STARES OFF INTO SPACE).
RYAN: No, it really doesn’t.
PALIN: Chris, it’s your turn. Please choose a category.
WHOOPI: Excuse me, but I think you’ve skipped my turn.
PALIN: Oh no, we just don’t really care what you have to say. Chris?
CHRISTIE: I’ll take Things That Are Icky for 400.
PALIN: Ooh you’ve hit the daily double! If you get this right you get
(TAKES OUT CALCULATOR FROM POCKET, PUNCHES NUMBERS FOR A FEW SECONDS)
CHRISTIE (LICKS LIPS)
PALIN: These are brown, pop up on your lawn, and can make you sick if you’re not careful with them.
WHOOPI (SHAKES HEAD IN DISGUST, BUZZES): You idiot, it’s mushrooms.
PALIN: I’m sorry, Whoopi, the correct answer was Mexicans! Congratulations, Chris, you’ve won the daily double! That puts you in second place behind Paul Ryan with
(PUNCHES MORE NUMBERS ON CALCULTOR)
$100. When we return from the break, we’ll find out if Chris Christie can overcome the adversity that is playin’ up against him and so he can take the spot of Vice President!
WHOOPI: You know what? This game is rigged. Whoopi out.
(WALKS OFF STAGE)
RYAN: And you know what? I never wanted this to begin with. I’m gone!
(WALKS OFF STAGE)
PALIN: Would ya look at that! Chris Christie wins the spot of Vice President of the United States! You’re now free to jeopardize the country! Congratulations!
DONALD (COMES FROM BEHIND CURTAIN): Are you kidding me with this asshole again? Fuck it, you’re all fired. I’ll do it myself.