Domination 101

Daenerys: Sit. (Pauses while Donald sits.) Good. Welcome to Domination 101. You are here because you have been unsuccessful in your quest to unite your country. I have successfully built a loyal army of soldiers from many cities. I will teach you.

Donald (mumbles): I’m a world class businessman. I don’t need your help.

Daenerys: Do not mumble when addressing a queen. Let that be lesson 1.

Donald: I apologize, Princess. Won’t happen again.

Daenerys: I am not your little princess. I am Queen Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen First of Her Name, Queen of Meereen, Queen of—

Donald: I get it, I get it. Calm down, quit your screeching.

Daenerys (rolls eyes): Okay. Lesson 2: Surround yourself with trusted advisors whose advice you value.

Donald: There’s an old axiom in the business world, you may know it… if you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.

Daenerys: Then your rule will be a short and disappointing one. You must remember: he who trusts no one is as foolish as he who trusts everyone.

Donald (scoffs): Fine, you’re the boss. I’ll get advisors, and they’ll be the best advisors, a really brilliant group of people. Sarah Palin, she’s great. She’ll be my Secretary of Energy. And Chris Christie, the Secretary of Transportation. Charlie Sheen, he’s an interesting one—Health and Human Services for him. Happy?

Daenerys: Fine. Lesson 3: You will need valuable alliances, the support of everyone—men, women, and foreigners—if you are going to take your country back. I have freed every slave in Slaver’s Bay, and I have gained the loyalty of the Unsullied. Now what have you done to procure your people’s endorsement?

Donald: Well, first of all, I don’t know how your Unsullied can fight without, well, you know… all I’m saying is if I didn’t have a schlong, and I do have a very nice one, I wouldn’t fight for a woman, even a beautiful one.

Daenerys: Woman? Is that meant to insult me? I would slap you, if I took you for a man. Get back to the question of endorsement.

Donald: All the best people have endorsed me. I’ve got the evangelicals. I’ve got the young, the old. I’ve got the highly educated, the poorly educated. Love those guys.

Daenerys: You must love all your constituents equally, of course.

Donald: Dany, can I call you that?

Daenerys: It’s Khaleesi.

Donald: Khaleesi. Of course I love all my constituents equally. But some of these people, they’re coming in from afar. And they’re liars, they’re cheaters. They’re rapists and murders. And I can’t have them in this country. When I’m in charge there will be a wall so tall, a wall, a tremendous wall. You’ll think, “What did we ever do before there was a wall?”

Daenerys: Walls, walls, walls. Westeros has a wall and you saw how that turned out. Enough talk about walls. You need the support of your neighbors or they will fry you. Now tell me something, speaking of frying. Your hair—it looks like it’s on fire. Are you immune to flame, as well (runs fingers through her own hair)?

Donald (pets his head: The only fire I’m dealing with is when I fire you for treating me poorly. Now listen. This is really quite urgent; we don’t have time to waste. My country is under a tremendous threat—jobs will be stolen, drugs will be rampant… Refugees are inundating the land and overwhelming us. You don’t understand the gravity of what is at stake.

Daenerys (raises eyebrow): Don’t I?

Donald: Just answer me this: you have said you would take back what was stolen from you and destroy those who wronged you. I’d like to know your methodology.

Daenerys (chuckles quietly): Donald, you fool. I have dragons.

Donald: So what you’re saying is nuke ‘em all.

Daenerys (to audience): He’s hopeless.

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