Donald’s Prospective Running Mate

(Open on): Sarah Palin, wearing a nightgown, standing in front of her mirror with a hairbrush in her hand. Speaks into the hairbrush)

Hello! Hi! Hello! Good evening my fellow Americans! I’m back, baby, I’m back! Thank you, thank you.

Now. When you ask yourself who will it be to put America back on the right track and restore constitutional government that we are lacking today and that we so need, do you think of Crooked Hillary, that Cooty Clinton? That’s right, booo Hillary! Now, do you think of that muckwuck Communist Bernie Sanders? No, boooo Bernie! Or, do you think of the one true and great leader of these United States, Donald J. Trump? Yeah!

I have endorsed Donald Trump for President because it is he who will get in there and utterly destroy ISIS and the Radical Islamic Terrorists, as we know our United States military can do, and we need a leader won’t just sit back and take it! He will exert a power, and we need a leader who won’t just sorta wanna cow chow and allow the enemy to be pokin’ at us. That’s unacceptable to most Americans and certainly to me. Donald J. Trump is the man who will carry his big stick and be severely aggressive with the terrorists. We need to cram it down their terrorist throats that they can’t, and they won’t.

Now I’m here today yakkin’ to ya about how Donald Trump will be the next great American leader and you’re probably thinkin’, what’s this lady doin’ up here talkin’ to us, and I’m here to tell you, and I know I said before that I wouldn’t, but I am beseechin’ you to vote for me, Sarah Palin, for the spot of Vice President of these United States.

I know, I know, last time John McCain said it was a mistake to have chosen me as his runnin’ mate but he doesn’t and didn’t see my vision to Make America Great Again! And, you know, I’m runnin’ with the experience of the Governor of the great state of Alaska, and Donald Trump needs that diversity, that diversity of experience, in that he hasn’t got any. Now I’m callin’ on you, the great people of Tennetexansas, to put a call in to Donald Trump and tell him, you tell him, “Sarah Palin is a pit bull willin’ to bite at Crooked Hillary’s ankles and you should choose her to be under you because she will unify America! Donald J. Trump and Sarah Palin 2016!”

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Good job, Sarah. That was very good. He’s gotta getcha now.

(END)

 

 

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Vice Presidential Jeopardy

SARAH PALIN: Hello, hello! Welcome to Jeopardy! I’m your celebrity host, Sarah Palin, and today we’re gonna play for the prize of winnin’ the spot of the next Vice President of these United States! Playin’ today are three excellent contestants and I will let them introduce themselves to you now.

CHRIS CHRISTIE: Hi folks, I’m Chris Christie, the governor of the great state of New Jersey. I enjoy donuts long walks in the park and I believe Donald Trump will be the best president the United States has ever had. I have been a good friend of Donald’s for 10 years, and sometimes he throws me a ball and I go chase it and he almost always pays for lunch. I believe no one is better prepared to provide America with strong leadership.

PAUL RYAN: I’m Paul Ryan, and I’m only here because Mr. Trump promised he’d stop calling my house at 3 in the morning if I say nice things about him.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG: I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m here to fill two quotas.

PALIN: Excellent, let’s begin. The categories are: The Daily Grind, Things That Are Huge, Things We Believe In, Things That Are Great, and Things That Are Icky. Chris, let’s begin with you.

CHRISTIE: Excellent, thank you Sarah. And I’d like to say, you’re looking fantastic today.

(PALIN FANS FACE WITH HER HAND, BATS EYELASHES)

CHRISTIE: I’d like Things That Are Great for 400.

PALIN: Super. This “great” leader has twenty cities named after him.

CHRISTIE: Oh I know this one. Who is Donald Trump?

PALIN: Oh I’m sorry, the correct answer was Alexander the Great. But I see why you might have said that. Mr. Ryan, it’s your turn now.

CHRISTIE (MUMBLES): Donald Trump is the greatest and will have 30 cities named after him.

RYAN: I just want to clarify that I’m only doing this because he keeps waking me up in the middle of the night. I’m tired and cranky and don’t want to be here. I’ll take The Daily Grind for 200.

PALIN: Excellent choice, excellent choice. The answer is: To cast a tie-breaking vote in the event of a Senate deadlock.

RYAN: What is the role of the Vice President?

PALIN: Ooh gee willikers, I don’t know. I’d like to buy a vowel.

RYAN: No, Sarah, the role of the Vice President is to cast a tie-breaking vote in the Senate.

PALIN: Oh, so it is! Would ya look at that, you really do learn something new every day. Two hundred tax free buckaroos to you! Please choose the next question.

RYAN: I’ll take Things That Are Huge for 300.

PALIN: Okie dokie, Smokie. This is something Donald will erect immediately upon his election.

CHRISTIE (BUZZES ENTHUSIASTICALLY)

PALIN (LOOKS SURPRISED, AND SLIGHTLY AROUSED): And before ya go ahead and state the obvious, remember this is a family show. We can talk about anatomy later!

 

CHRISTIE (SLUMPS, KICKS FLOOR).

PALIN: Mr. Ryan, do you have an answer?

RYAN: I believe that would be the giant wall.

PALIN: You’re right! Just talkin’ about this wall gets me all flustery, really makes ya stop and think…

(STARES OFF INTO SPACE).

RYAN: No, it really doesn’t.

PALIN: Chris, it’s your turn. Please choose a category.

WHOOPI: Excuse me, but I think you’ve skipped my turn.

PALIN: Oh no, we just don’t really care what you have to say. Chris?

CHRISTIE: I’ll take Things That Are Icky for 400.

PALIN: Ooh you’ve hit the daily double! If you get this right you get

(TAKES OUT CALCULATOR FROM POCKET, PUNCHES NUMBERS FOR A FEW SECONDS)

800 points!

CHRISTIE (LICKS LIPS)

PALIN: These are brown, pop up on your lawn, and can make you sick if you’re not careful with them.

CHRISTIE: MEXICANS!

WHOOPI (SHAKES HEAD IN DISGUST, BUZZES): You idiot, it’s mushrooms.

PALIN: I’m sorry, Whoopi, the correct answer was Mexicans! Congratulations, Chris, you’ve won the daily double! That puts you in second place behind Paul Ryan with

(PUNCHES MORE NUMBERS ON CALCULTOR)

$100. When we return from the break, we’ll find out if Chris Christie can overcome the adversity that is playin’ up against him and so he can take the spot of Vice President!

WHOOPI: You know what? This game is rigged. Whoopi out.

(WALKS OFF STAGE)

RYAN: And you know what? I never wanted this to begin with. I’m gone!

(WALKS OFF STAGE)

PALIN: Would ya look at that! Chris Christie wins the spot of Vice President of the United States! You’re now free to jeopardize the country! Congratulations!

DONALD (COMES FROM BEHIND CURTAIN): Are you kidding me with this asshole again? Fuck it, you’re all fired. I’ll do it myself.

(END)