Donald’s Prospective Running Mate

(Open on): Sarah Palin, wearing a nightgown, standing in front of her mirror with a hairbrush in her hand. Speaks into the hairbrush)

Hello! Hi! Hello! Good evening my fellow Americans! I’m back, baby, I’m back! Thank you, thank you.

Now. When you ask yourself who will it be to put America back on the right track and restore constitutional government that we are lacking today and that we so need, do you think of Crooked Hillary, that Cooty Clinton? That’s right, booo Hillary! Now, do you think of that muckwuck Communist Bernie Sanders? No, boooo Bernie! Or, do you think of the one true and great leader of these United States, Donald J. Trump? Yeah!

I have endorsed Donald Trump for President because it is he who will get in there and utterly destroy ISIS and the Radical Islamic Terrorists, as we know our United States military can do, and we need a leader won’t just sit back and take it! He will exert a power, and we need a leader who won’t just sorta wanna cow chow and allow the enemy to be pokin’ at us. That’s unacceptable to most Americans and certainly to me. Donald J. Trump is the man who will carry his big stick and be severely aggressive with the terrorists. We need to cram it down their terrorist throats that they can’t, and they won’t.

Now I’m here today yakkin’ to ya about how Donald Trump will be the next great American leader and you’re probably thinkin’, what’s this lady doin’ up here talkin’ to us, and I’m here to tell you, and I know I said before that I wouldn’t, but I am beseechin’ you to vote for me, Sarah Palin, for the spot of Vice President of these United States.

I know, I know, last time John McCain said it was a mistake to have chosen me as his runnin’ mate but he doesn’t and didn’t see my vision to Make America Great Again! And, you know, I’m runnin’ with the experience of the Governor of the great state of Alaska, and Donald Trump needs that diversity, that diversity of experience, in that he hasn’t got any. Now I’m callin’ on you, the great people of Tennetexansas, to put a call in to Donald Trump and tell him, you tell him, “Sarah Palin is a pit bull willin’ to bite at Crooked Hillary’s ankles and you should choose her to be under you because she will unify America! Donald J. Trump and Sarah Palin 2016!”

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Good job, Sarah. That was very good. He’s gotta getcha now.

(END)

 

 

Vice Presidential Jeopardy

SARAH PALIN: Hello, hello! Welcome to Jeopardy! I’m your celebrity host, Sarah Palin, and today we’re gonna play for the prize of winnin’ the spot of the next Vice President of these United States! Playin’ today are three excellent contestants and I will let them introduce themselves to you now. CHRIS CHRISTIE: Hi folks, I’m Chris Christie, the governor of the great state of New Jersey. I enjoy donuts long walks in the park and I believe Donald Trump will be the best president the United States has ever had. I have been a good friend of Donald’s for 10 years, and sometimes he throws me a ball and I go chase it and he almost always pays for lunch. I believe no one is better prepared to provide America with strong leadership. PAUL RYAN: I’m Paul Ryan, and I’m only here because Mr. Trump promised he’d stop calling my house at 3 in the morning if I say nice things about him. WHOOPI GOLDBERG: I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m here to fill two quotas. PALIN: Excellent, let’s begin. The categories are: The Daily Grind, Things That Are Huge, Things We Believe In, Things That Are Great, and Things That Are Icky. Chris, let’s begin with you. CHRISTIE: Excellent, thank you Sarah. And I’d like to say, you’re looking fantastic today. (PALIN FANS FACE WITH HER HAND, BATS EYELASHES) CHRISTIE: I’d like Things That Are Great for 400. PALIN: Super. This “great” leader has twenty cities named after him. CHRISTIE: Oh I know this one. Who is Donald Trump? PALIN: Oh I’m sorry, the correct answer was Alexander the Great. But I see why you might have said that. Mr. Ryan, it’s your turn now. CHRISTIE (MUMBLES): Donald Trump is the greatest and will have 30 cities named after him. RYAN: I just want to clarify that I’m only doing this because he keeps waking me up in the middle of the night. I’m tired and cranky and don’t want to be here. I’ll take The Daily Grind for 200. PALIN: Excellent choice, excellent choice. The answer is: To cast a tie-breaking vote in the event of a Senate deadlock. RYAN: What is the role of the Vice President? PALIN: Ooh gee willikers, I don’t know. I’d like to buy a vowel. RYAN: No, Sarah, the role of the Vice President is to cast a tie-breaking vote in the Senate. PALIN: Oh, so it is! Would ya look at that, you really do learn something new every day. Two hundred tax free buckaroos to you! Please choose the next question. RYAN: I’ll take Things That Are Huge for 300. PALIN: Okie dokie, Smokie. This is something Donald will erect immediately upon his election. CHRISTIE (BUZZES ENTHUSIASTICALLY) PALIN (LOOKS SURPRISED, AND SLIGHTLY AROUSED): And before ya go ahead and state the obvious, remember this is a family show. We can talk about anatomy later!   CHRISTIE (SLUMPS, KICKS FLOOR). PALIN: Mr. Ryan, do you have an answer? RYAN: I believe that would be the giant wall. PALIN: You’re right! Just talkin’ about this wall gets me all flustery, really makes ya stop and think… (STARES OFF INTO SPACE). RYAN: No, it really doesn’t. PALIN: Chris, it’s your turn. Please choose a category. WHOOPI: Excuse me, but I think you’ve skipped my turn. PALIN: Oh no, we just don’t really care what you have to say. Chris? CHRISTIE: I’ll take Things That Are Icky for 400. PALIN: Ooh you’ve hit the daily double! If you get this right you get (TAKES OUT CALCULATOR FROM POCKET, PUNCHES NUMBERS FOR A FEW SECONDS) 800 points! CHRISTIE (LICKS LIPS) PALIN: These are brown, pop up on your lawn, and can make you sick if you’re not careful with them. CHRISTIE: MEXICANS! WHOOPI (SHAKES HEAD IN DISGUST, BUZZES): You idiot, it’s mushrooms. PALIN: I’m sorry, Whoopi, the correct answer was Mexicans! Congratulations, Chris, you’ve won the daily double! That puts you in second place behind Paul Ryan with (PUNCHES MORE NUMBERS ON CALCULTOR) $100. When we return from the break, we’ll find out if Chris Christie can overcome the adversity that is playin’ up against him and so he can take the spot of Vice President! WHOOPI: You know what? This game is rigged. Whoopi out. (WALKS OFF STAGE) RYAN: And you know what? I never wanted this to begin with. I’m gone! (WALKS OFF STAGE) PALIN: Would ya look at that! Chris Christie wins the spot of Vice President of the United States! You’re now free to jeopardize the country! Congratulations! DONALD (COMES FROM BEHIND CURTAIN): Are you kidding me with this asshole again? Fuck it, you’re all fired. I’ll do it myself. (END)

 

 

Domination 101

Daenerys: Sit. (Pauses while Donald sits.) Good. Welcome to Domination 101. You are here because you have been unsuccessful in your quest to unite your country. I have successfully built a loyal army of soldiers from many cities. I will teach you.

Donald (mumbles): I’m a world class businessman. I don’t need your help.

Daenerys: Do not mumble when addressing a queen. Let that be lesson 1.

Donald: I apologize, Princess. Won’t happen again.

Daenerys: I am not your little princess. I am Queen Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen First of Her Name, Queen of Meereen, Queen of—

Donald: I get it, I get it. Calm down, quit your screeching.

Daenerys (rolls eyes): Okay. Lesson 2: Surround yourself with trusted advisors whose advice you value.

Donald: There’s an old axiom in the business world, you may know it… if you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.

Daenerys: Then your rule will be a short and disappointing one. You must remember: he who trusts no one is as foolish as he who trusts everyone.

Donald (scoffs): Fine, you’re the boss. I’ll get advisors, and they’ll be the best advisors, a really brilliant group of people. Sarah Palin, she’s great. She’ll be my Secretary of Energy. And Chris Christie, the Secretary of Transportation. Charlie Sheen, he’s an interesting one—Health and Human Services for him. Happy?

Daenerys: Fine. Lesson 3: You will need valuable alliances, the support of everyone—men, women, and foreigners—if you are going to take your country back. I have freed every slave in Slaver’s Bay, and I have gained the loyalty of the Unsullied. Now what have you done to procure your people’s endorsement?

Donald: Well, first of all, I don’t know how your Unsullied can fight without, well, you know… all I’m saying is if I didn’t have a schlong, and I do have a very nice one, I wouldn’t fight for a woman, even a beautiful one.

Daenerys: Woman? Is that meant to insult me? I would slap you, if I took you for a man. Get back to the question of endorsement.

Donald: All the best people have endorsed me. I’ve got the evangelicals. I’ve got the young, the old. I’ve got the highly educated, the poorly educated. Love those guys.

Daenerys: You must love all your constituents equally, of course.

Donald: Dany, can I call you that?

Daenerys: It’s Khaleesi.

Donald: Khaleesi. Of course I love all my constituents equally. But some of these people, they’re coming in from afar. And they’re liars, they’re cheaters. They’re rapists and murders. And I can’t have them in this country. When I’m in charge there will be a wall so tall, a wall, a tremendous wall. You’ll think, “What did we ever do before there was a wall?”

Daenerys: Walls, walls, walls. Westeros has a wall and you saw how that turned out. Enough talk about walls. You need the support of your neighbors or they will fry you. Now tell me something, speaking of frying. Your hair—it looks like it’s on fire. Are you immune to flame, as well (runs fingers through her own hair)?

Donald (pets his head: The only fire I’m dealing with is when I fire you for treating me poorly. Now listen. This is really quite urgent; we don’t have time to waste. My country is under a tremendous threat—jobs will be stolen, drugs will be rampant… Refugees are inundating the land and overwhelming us. You don’t understand the gravity of what is at stake.

Daenerys (raises eyebrow): Don’t I?

Donald: Just answer me this: you have said you would take back what was stolen from you and destroy those who wronged you. I’d like to know your methodology.

Daenerys (chuckles quietly): Donald, you fool. I have dragons.

Donald: So what you’re saying is nuke ‘em all.

Daenerys (to audience): He’s hopeless.

A Game of Delegates

Collusion between enemies… the wife of a former philandering leader trying to hold her spot on the throne and willing to crush anyone on the way… North vs. South, scheming, cheating, bloodshed… we have a lot to look forward to this Spring, and that’s just Game of Thrones. We haven’t even touched on the presidential election yet.

Days after a cataclysmic loss in New York, Ted Cruz’s campaign struggles to explain their failure. Some say he wasn’t feeling the New York values. But I’m not so sure about that…he did, after all, walk away with a big ole bagel.

If there was any doubt about whether Indianans would warmly welcome the Republican frontrunner during their state’s upcoming primary, look no further than the expansive fields, where hundreds of thousands of Donald Trump dolls have been spotted—wait—wait—what’s that? Just in, these are not Trump dolls but ears of corn.

Meanwhile in Pennsylvania, The Donald was trumped by those with hair more fabulous than his—a group of alpacas. It is unknown how the Trump team and the alpaca farm came to share a complex on this magical day, but subsequent polling indicated the alpacas—as some began to call the Trumpacas—drew a more prolific crowd than The Donald. The Trump campaign has not released a statement on the matter.

On another note, the Treasury has chosen to replace Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. While Americans have broken Google with “Who is Harriet Tubman” inquiries, both Ben Carson and Donald Trump have voiced opposition to the Treasury’s choice, suggesting that instead Tubman take her place on the $16 bill or the $12 bill, depending on whether you want to slight her as a woman or as an African American.

Donald Trump vs. Chris Matthews

Chris Matthews: Our next question comes from Katie, a student at the University of Wisconsin. Katie?

Katie: Mr. Trump, I’d like to know about your stance on women’s rights and their right to choose in their own reproductive health.

Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m pro-choice. Pro-life. Pro-life. I believe in the sanctity of life, you know that. Except in the case of rape and the life of the mother. Some of my competitors tell you they’ll also allow abortions for cases of incest, but I won’t go that far. Is that okay? You understand?

Matthews: What would President Tr [wheezes]—President Tr [wheezes]—excuse me. What would President Trump’s abortion law be?

Trump: Well, you know. There would be a law and it would be a great law.

Matthews: What would the law be, though?

Trump: I haven’t decided yet. But it will be grand, I promise you that. This is election is so important—there’s going to be a law. And frankly, it’s going to be the best wall, the biggest wall. Law.

Matthews: But you have to have a law in mind.

Trump [in mocking voice]: You have to have a law in mind.

Matthews: Geez, Anderson was right. Five years old. You can’t dodge this, Mr. Trump. Please tell us your law.

Trump: I’d like to phone a friend.

Matthews: [Sighs] Permission granted.

Trump (on phone): Hi, it’s me. Yeah. Mhm. Yeah, I know. The very best. [Pauses to listen]. No, better than that. [Pauses to listen]. Mhm. Mhm. Perfect. Thanks, Chris. I’ll see you tonight. Ice cream’s on me this time. [Hangs up phone]. It will be the best law, and the law that will unify the people and I’ll tell you what the law will be because these people are committing a crime, a murder. There will be, there must be, a punishment for abortions.

Matthews: A punishment? Who will be punished?

Trump: I think you know.

Matthews: I do not know.

Trump: It rhymes with swimmin’.

Matthews: Women? You want to punish the women?

Trump: Well, you know. Punishment has been proven to be the only thing that works with these people. Take Ivanka, my gorgeous daughter. When Ivanka was a little girl, when Ivanka was a bad little girl, Daddy used to punish her. Oh, he punished her good. And you know what? It worked. Abortions are evil and there has to be some form of punishment.

Matthews: For the woman.

Trump: Yes, there has to be some form.

Matthews: But you must know. Will it be five years? Ten? Twenty? What will the punishment be?

Trump: No less than 18 years. And, well, frankly, it depends on a cup size factor, [clears throat] a couple factors.

Matthews: Like what?

Trump: It will have to be determined. But these people, these women who get abortions, they’ve been naughty, real naughty, and they deserve to be punished. It would please me greatly to be the one doing the punishing.

Matthews: But here’s my problem with this. If you don’t have a punishment for abortion—and I don’t believe in it, of course—people are going to find a way to have an abortion. They’ll go to the doctor who flunked out of medical school, they’ll go to the doctor who fell asleep while running for President of the United States.

Trump: Keep my boy Benny out of this. He is a good Christian, the best Christian.

Matthews: I need you to give me a straight answer: In a Trump regime, what would the punishment for women who get abortions be?

Trump: Well of course I’m gonna give you a straight answer. I don’t believe in any other kind of answer.

Matthews: Enough with the games. Mr. Trump, if there were to be a punishment for women who get abortions, what about the men who got them pregnant? Are they responsible under the law for these abortions?

Trump: Is the sky gold?

Matthews: Well, folks, there you have it: Donald Trump believes the women who get abortions, but not the men who impregnate them, should be punished for getting abortions. That’s all the time we have tonight. Good night, and good luck.

Trump: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. I never said the women should be punished. You’re twisting my words. It’s the doctors who provide the abortions who will be punished. Fucking Lib media.